Part 1: Partner’s Original Scene Breakdown: (301 words)
As Josh watches his car being flaunted from a distance, he looks around the bar for help but notices that there were barely any customers, even the security guy was gone, assuming they went on their break. Adding on his frustration, he frantically thinks about how to get his car back. He walks back and forth next to his table, his hand stroking his chin and muttering to himself. After tiring his legs and brain from overthinking, Josh sits impatiently with his knee jerking speedily wondering where Boss went and what’s taking so long. Josh groans in annoyance and hides himself on the high table next to the window, blocking the world out. A couple minutes pass by when Josh’s ears twitch as footsteps are heard in the distance, as the steps are coming closer, the sound echoes around the bar bouncing everywhere, but the sounds stop right in front of Josh. Rattling sounds that are sharp and loud are being shaken in front of Josh’s face, he looks up to see a young lady who Josh saw working as the bartender. As she shakes her keys to grab Josh’s attention, she introduces herself as Mercedes with a kind and friendly smile and offers to lend him her car, under the condition that she tags along with him. Josh, who’s frustration was only growing by the minute, suddenly disappeared when an angel appeared before him and his face lit up with hope and glee. He excitedly gets up from his seat and shakes off the frustration in his body and starts hyping himself up which gets his heart racing and body pumping, ready to take back what’s his. Josh quickly agrees to Mercedes’ condition without asking any follow-up questions and both hurriedly head out of the bar and towards her car.
Part 2: Review: (272 words)
This original scene breakdown effectively conveys the visceral nature of Josh’s experience at this tense moment. This is achieved through the description of Josh’s actions: ‘stroking his chin and muttering to himself’, ‘knee jerking speedily’, ‘groan[ing] in annoyance’. All of these descriptors help readers (and ultimately viewers) to connect to the character, as he is given more depth and relatability.
In addition to this, the introduction of Mercedes adds not only depth, but a turning point to the scene. At first, the unknown ‘footsteps [being] heard in the distance’ create a sense of tension evoking readers to ask, whose footsteps they are? Which is then contrasted by Mercedes’ ‘kind and friendly smile’ acting as a beacon of hope for Josh, injecting both characters with more dimension.
Ultimately, I wouldn’t change much. However, I think the original author could have been more descriptive of the bar itself. This could be done by reiterating the solitariness of the bar or examining the sights of the bar (colour, texture, smells, etc.). This would allow the author to give readers more to envisage, not only of the bar, but also its surroundings. Furthermore, some sentences I would restructure, such as: ‘rattling sounds that are sharp and loud are being shaken in front of Josh’s face’, would become, ‘In Josh’s face is the sharp, loud rattle of keys’, merely for conciseness-sake and readability.
In conclusion, the original scene breakdown effectively communicates Josh’s initial frustration, desperation, and hopelessness, and aptly introduces Mercedes as a beacon of hope. However, some sentences could be restructured to enhance readability and the author could’ve incorporated more sensory details for readers to grasp.
Part 3: Rewrite: (300 words)
Looking around the small rural bar as his car flaunts in the distance, Josh begins to realise that there are barely any customers, even the security guy was gone – maybe their just on break. Frantically pacing, he thinks about how to get his car back, hand on chin, muttering under his breath. After tiring his legs and brain from overthinking, Josh sits impatiently with his knee jerking speedily wondering where Boss went – what’s taking her so long. Groaning in annoyance, Josh hides himself on the chestnut high table, stained with water droplets, and blocks the world out. What seem like hours pass by, when Josh’s ears begin to twitch as he hears footsteps in the distance. As the steps are approaching, closer and closer, the sound echoes around the empty bar bouncing everywhere, until the sounds stop – right in front of Josh. In Josh’s face is the sharp, loud rattle of keys. He looks up to see a young lady who Josh remembers seeing working as a bartender. As she shakes her keys to grab Josh’s attention, she introduces herself as Mercedes, a kind and friendly smile gleams across her face as she offers to lend him her car. That is, under the condition that she can tag along with him. Josh, who’s frustration was only growing by the minute, suddenly dissolved when the angel appeared before him, his face lighting up with a newfound hope and glee. He excitedly rises from his stool, unburdening himself from the frustration in his body as his heart starts racing and blood rushes as adrenaline courses through him – ready to take back what’s his. Without hesitation, Josh agrees to Mercedes’ terms, not a single follow-up question, as the pair head out the wooden, saloon-like, thin doors of the bar, dashing towards her car.