I am going to investigate acting (performing). I am going to do acting classes.

The last time I did this what 2008 (maybe) and I quit because I was given a role that was a main and couldn’t learn my lines. I quit. I always tried out for drama plays but I was nervous, and every time I was going to perform I would vomit or faint – so I kept away. I sit here angry at myself that I didn’t overcome this… Can I overcome this? Do I need to overcome this? But since I was a little girl, films have been a huge part of my life.

I have always been inspired by them. Although, I have never really investigated, within myself, why they leave me feeling so eager to create, to do, to analyse and to just imagine. I can’t come to fact as to why films can affect my whole mood and temperament.

I only like going to films with people who are willing to talk about it with me after – to come to the details and to point out how the result happened – how the actors went, how it looked etc. When I go with someone to see a film and I attempt to talk to them about the film and they just don’t react or say “it was good” – I judge the person and get angry they can’t elaborate and say why or they don’t even want to figure out why is was good. I have always done this, even before this course. This course has made me worse (in the way that I want to talk about details and everything that makes up the film I just watched) but I have always done this. Also when people say “well that was unrealistic” – I also get angry because that statement in general frustrates me. If you read that and don’t get why I get angry – then I would probably be angry at you too. So basically, I sound like an angry person. But I’m not, I swear.

Films make me feel like anything is possible (well, not all – some rarely make me feel like talking at all). The people behind in, within it, make me feel like I could do anything?! But I want to investigate why and who, and what and how. The ‘two sides’ of something that is united. The 1s and 2s (as Paul would say). I want to learn more about directors AND performers.

Last week I went to the video store. This video store has recently been made ‘smaller’ (it moved across the street into a little hole in the wall) and so I went in to rent Amelie – and was sadden by the small space. I then went back to return the film today after having a coffee with my Mum. I told mum how I am feeling lost and how I am interested in the director and the performer – and she thought it was great. She doesn’t know how I will go with acting – but she thinks I may as well “give it a crack”. She also laughed, which is a little unsettling. I was going to drop the film (making a conscious effort to call them films rather than movies) into the dropbox and I thought – I may as well go in and say hi. It seems lonely and claustrophobic. I started talking to the guy that works there (will find out his name next time) and I found he studied Media at RMIT years ago. I went in to rent ‘The Thin Red Line’ (Terrence Malick,1998), as Paul suggested, and the guy working there said “For $1 you can get two more”… So this is when he started telling me his favourite films (and I came to realise his huge knowledge of film), and his perspective on what I should watch. So I came out with The Thin Red Line, Chinatown (Roman Polanski, 1974) – his suggestion of the director Mum suggested, and Casablanca (Michael Curtiz, 1942) – as my Dad suggested because of Ingrid Bergman (actor/performer). This is what I have started off with – and I told him I would see him next week for more recommendations.

This is a part of how I am going to investigate further into the director and the performer – now I guess this includes it’s audience. Originally, I had the ‘two sides’ – but by the method of investigation I am taking, it includes the third side – the audience. Maybe I will ask people questions and let them tell me why they like/dislike the film – as just a part of working out why, which isn’t just from my point of view. Although, seeing how this goes I might want to base this on my views – and gain clarity for me for what I want to do in the future so I can work towards something. This might be me getting my groundings…

Also I am not just going to watch the films – I am going to write a post about each one. I might even delve into TV series as well. Whatever makes me feel like writing after. It might be a random film on TV that I watch and feel like talking about. The director may not be highly esteemed, and the vilm might have a ‘bad-rep’ overall (reviews etc) – but maybe this can help figure out why. I may even like it…

In each post I  write –

Film Name, Director and Year Made
Genre 
Actors (selective choice)
Directors Film History 
My view / critique 
and maybe some GOOGLE facts about the Film or director if I feel like furthering my knowledge. 

I don’t know what I am doing – but to get anywhere, this is how I am going to start.

Yesterday’s class (for me) was very productive.

I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately – regarding what I want to do and what I see myself as being in the future. I have been so confused lately and have been putting the pressure on… for no reason. It’s what I do. I am a stress-head and me stressing being confused comes across in class. I know that. I can’t even get a solid sentence out – even idea. I am constantly doubting myself and my knowledge. Because at the moment – I am feeling somewhat lost. I have been asking a lot of questions and not finding an answer this equally to more questions. I don’t know what is wrong or right – and I don’t even know if I have a direction.

Yesterdays class forced me to write down these question and say a loud what I have been thinking. But I didn’t really say it out loud – because I doubted myself as soon as I started talking and Paul’s unreadable face intimidated me and so I wanted to get out what I was saying in a better way. Yet, I couldn’t form words. I can’t find clarity at all at the moment.

The way I am living is ‘stable’ (so to speak, in comparison to what I am use too) – and this fact has given me a lot of time to think about myself… I haven’t had this much time to think in a long time. I am usually filled with exterior problems, issues (whateverrrr) that spins through my head. I am also use to moving around A LOT and never living in the one place. I have found myself living in the one place… which is also strange, because I have never lived in one place. So I don’t have a bag constantly packed, I don’t have to plan everywhere I go meticulously and I have time to myself. Although, now I have hit a dilemma of myself and what to do. I don’t even know. This relates to my investigation somehow – I swear.

So back to yesterdays class, this is what I wrote –

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“I have been trying to gain perspectives of films on different angles. I have tried to look at it in different roles – such as director and the actor. I have realised that there are two sides – yet they should come together as a unity.

 My cinema teacher said today that a film is 3/4 the way the actors perform. So ¼ is everything else – the mise en scene, the way it’s ‘covered’. He then continued to say that casting would almost be the most important part. This makes me think – actors (performers) have a lot of responsibility. I then thought back to who did the casting. That’s where this big decision comes from. Then I think where did the requirements for the casting come from – again that’s another role, another person/team. At first I completely disagreed with what he had to say – because, come on. Then I started to create the circle, how its formed and who decided what. It also, strangely, makes me want to be a performer or know what it feels like. Do they have as much power as he said they do? Do they really make the film what it is – and do they control the quality by 3/4ths? Why does this make me want to be an actor – is it because I use to dream of it when I was a little girl OR is it because I want more control?

 This makes me think – the people who direct and act in the same film? Surely this is a lot of control. Now you are taking the full responsibility of everything PLUS the performance? Could I do this – am I capable? I guess it’s the best of both worlds. But maybe I can’t act – maybe I am terrible. Maybe I can’t direct but can perform yet take on both roles? But what if I feel so passionate about something I have created and I can find no one to play the role that I have put my heart and soul into thinking up? Does this mean I am capable of doing it? How can I have a non-bias view that I am actually good at acting OR directing.

 I don’t know if I want to act or even direct – I really don’t. But I want to know both sides, or to even see if there is two sides?

 Director and performer – to direct do you need to understand what it’s like to perform?”

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What? So many damn questions. This is what happens when I write – anything I think, just goes straight onto what I have written. Good think or bad thing? I need reassurance all the time. Does it even matter? Oh well – moving on.

So this is what I want to do –

Originally – yes, I wanted to create a scene. But now, I am not so sure… This right now, is what interest me. This is what I want to investigate and delve further into. I am not a fan of writing essays – but at this point,  I think I might have to. But it leaves me annoyed – because I really want to create something. I think by doing this though, I will create clarity within my mind. Tomorrow this might change (I am obviously temperamental and my mind is not staying in one place, even though physically I am).

…

I don’t think that music clips are scenes. I don’t really like many music video’s – I always think what I would do to make them better. I think I like analysing them and how they work with the song. But sometimes the song is bad – and the clip is great. But I can’t stand to watch it unless it’s on mute.