…

I have just realised why the hell I am studying film. It is films like this –

I remember the exact moment after I saw this film for the first time. I saw it in the cinema, and I was with a few friends. Before it we were laughing and talking about what has been going on at school; who liked who, and what sport are you playing for the term. Leaving the cinema was a completely different phase in my life. It sounds stupid, but honestly – I can not think of any film that has moved me and completely engulfed me more than this film.

When I got home I couldn’t even speak – I went straight to my room and grabbed my laptop. I researched everything about it. The meanings, the storyline, behind the scenes, about the actors, ballet – anything. I couldn’t work out why I felt how I felt. Then I laid on my floor looking up at my ceiling reliving the whole film in my head. I then called my mum and told her EVERYTHING. She was nice enough to listen, but as I was speaking about it new things started to pop into my head about the film.

It was at this time that I realised I wanted to create something that moves people.

Today I re-watched this film – and it had an even larger effect on me. The room disappeared and when my sister would interrupt me I would get so emotionally disturbed I wanted to cry. That sounds crazy – but that’s exactly how it felt.

This is my epiphany – this would have to be my favourite film. It inspires me, it emotionally takes me – and I have missed this feeling. All these stupids doubts of myself, or whether I should be ‘classed’ as a film student – stereotypically, maybe I shouldn’t. But I know what I like and what I want – and I want to be able to move people like this film moved me. Maybe that isn’t through the medium of film – maybe it’s something completely different. But I have found clarity. I am so damn thankful for it as well.

I don’t usually watch thrillers – they have never been something I enjoy. I am going to watch more – because if I think this film is my favourite film, then maybe I should do my research into more thriller films.

Right now – I can’t actually write down what I feel. I want to write down my analysis of the film – but I just can’t. I want to indulge in this moment and just keep it going in my mind. I want it to keep spinning and I want it to keep playing back.

Thank-you Black Swan.