Jamie and Sam rounded a corner and strolled into another of RMITs seemingly endless hidden city laneways. The bitumen was still damp from the morning’s brief shower, making the unusually warm autumn day feel muggy, as well as hot.
Loosely holding hands, Jamie broached a subject that had been laughed off and discarded without a serious response, for months now.
“Soo” Jamie began, drawing out the vowel. “When I am going to meet your mum?”
Sam, as if he had been shocked, with Jamie’s hand the conductor, let go of her hand.
“Jamie” He whinged “you’ve already spoken to her on the phone, what more do you want?”
“What more do I want?!” Jamie fired back, her face turning red with emotion.
“I…” she began, “I..” she stuttered again. Her mind racing, unable to articulate fast enough all the more things she wanted.

I like how descriptive this piece was, I could envision the scene as if I was a voyeur on the day, which, personally, is the measure by which I judge how good any piece is.

Side note: I’m finding critiquing my own work really difficult and awkward, I feel like a tosser saying I thought I had some strong elements. However, feeling this way in of itself is interesting, probably meaning I need practice in being introspective and articulating what I like and don’t like about my work. I certainly don’t do this often. Anyway, continuing…

I liked how this description gives depth to the characters without much dialog. For example we knew from Sam letting go of Jamie’s hand so aggressively, the subject of her meeting his mum is an unwanted one. Similarly, I like the use of limited/broken dialog to illustrate the choked, constricted nature of Jamie’s feelings regarding not having yet met Sam’s mum. Like her “racing mind” grappling with the possible reasons he wouldn’t want to let her into his life fully, Jamie cant articulate herself very well. This is frustrating for Jamie as she wants to have this conversation, but her emotion, like an unwanted third character, is siding with Sam in shutting it down. This demonstration of the traffic Jam of emotion Jamie is experiencing adds explanation as to why Jamie would run away from Sam into oncoming traffic: she felt confused, frustrated and most fiercely; she felt unwanted.

The most useful feedback I received was to write in the present text. It seems so obvious now, but all scripts are written in the present text, therefore, for this activity at least I should too. I think this would definably improve my piece and make it easier to translate into script form.
So I did so:
Jamie and Sam round a corner and stroll into another of RMITs seemingly endless hidden city laneways. The bitumen, still damp from the morning’s brief shower, made the unusually warm autumn day feel muggy, as well as hot.
Loosely holding hands, Jamie broaches a subject that had been laughed off and discarded without a serious response, for months now.
“Soo” Jamie began, drawing out the vowel. “When I am going to meet your mum?”
Sam, as if shocked with electricity, with Jamie’s hand the conductor, let go of her hand.
“Jamie” He whines “you’ve already spoken to her on the phone, what more do you want?”
“What more do I want?!” Jamie fires back, her face now red with emotion.
“I…” she began, “I..” she stuttered again. Her mind racing, unable to articulate fast enough all the more things she wanted.

I also think it would be interesting/ an improvement to remove the narrative ‘voice’ of the piece and place it in first person. For example instead of “Her mind racing, unable to articulate fast enough all the more things she wanted.” It would be “my mind racing, flooded with all the more things I wanted, yet couldn’t articulate”.

While I did find writing this piece easy and enjoyable, my biggest angst is then trying to translate the except into script form, as was the next class activity. I think I’m nervous because I don’t have much practise with it, however I think this is a pretty good base to go off.