Feedback Workshop #1 – Liam, Matt Manning and Amy

I’m using this blog to chart down my thoughts on the pieces of writing that we need to report on during the focused feedback sessions. It will also be a place in which I take notes given to me by my peers. This will be the first of a few.

LIAM

I couldn’t see the emoji’s in the document that he sent but they were descriptive enough for me to know which ones he was on about. I think what he’s going for is quite literal and can be edging between funny and really disturbing and an uncanny valley sort of way that I’m not sure I’m ready for. In going with the trend of his emoji representations I thought I would add some other things that could work…

The salsa-dancing woman – Quite literally the character seemingly materialises this red flowing dress from nowhere and begins to tango.
Eggplant – Something with the penis.
Fire/100/10 fingers – Really over the top, hype reactions to something funny.
Showing that somebody is typing a message – The character stands silently with their mouth open OR they overact thinking super hard.
Water Pistol – Character holding a water pistol up to their head. (a nod to the removed gun emoji).
Abbreviations – Could have the actual phrases said in Siri’s voice for eg.. “I’m good hbu?” – “hbu” would be said “how about you?” in Siri’s voice.
Maybe there’s a gag about how some people say long stories in short, multiple messages (like me) and another person grills them in one long ranting message.

MATT MANNING

Painted a really nice picture and set up Harvey as this kind of naive, humble guy who isn’t sure whether or not he himself truly believes that he’s made a big break. It’s only through his spite of Harold that he let’s loose and brags a little bit, only to play right into Harold’s hands.

This seems like a good introduction of Harvey, possible following some hard establishing intro sequences of the city and the time. The dialogue works. It reads a like a pseudo Woody Allen type script which may or may not be good for Matt Manning.

I also like the set up of juxtaposition between the glitz/glamour of Hollywood vs. The effects of the depression/soup drives and how it seems like Harvey is placed firmly between them, possibly acting as a bridge later down the track?

One little thing, I think a description of the car would paint a good sense of setting and tone in the piece.

AMY

Wow, very astute and rich observations. I like the deep thought she put into it. I think not outright dying is the right choice to make. There’s a lot of potential in this world and she’s asking great questions that are really prompting me to think deep into the human psyche and asking a lot of questions, which is great. The thing about Amy’s world that I have most of my questions about are about the class/societal structure of the world.

Are humans all born with the same heart and key?
Do they have different hearts and keys?
Are they unique to everyone?
Are races defined by the style of heart and key?

These main questions will prompt further questioning depending on which way they go and open pathways to the internal logic of the piece such as:

If hearts are uniform and everyone has the exact same heart and key you could set up a clear two-tone societal structure where those who have “defective hearts” are cast aside and considered freaks. When people’s hearts are opened in this version it makes more sense to have the one consequence for every person seeing as the reason for this evolution in human nature seems to be a common DNA strain among the humans.
I had an idea that maybe when the heart gets opened in this world, the person’s senses become deprived. They are able to move freely in the world but their senses are dulled…
FEEL – You feel nothing on your skin, not even a gust of wind at the beach.
HEARING – Everything you hear sounds muffled and unintelligible kind of like how shell shock sounds in war movies.
SMELL – You can still smell. This makes it all the more horrible once you lose the rest of the senses. It becomes someone’s way of truly getting by in the world. It can also be a huge downfall.
TASTE – The only thing you can taste when you put something in your mouth is the last thing that you ate. This can play into torturous aspects of the world.
SIGHT – Everything maintains its form and you can still see the shapes of the world only everything is covered in a shade between the tonal ranges of white and grey.

If hearts are all individualised then we can explore the age old adage of the heart vs the brain and how truly unique people are. In this world the class and societal structures are more intricate. Races could have a common look to their hearts that can act as a visual aid to their heart. Perhaps skin colour no longer defines race but certain flourishes the top of a key might have. Every heart is unique, no heart is the same unless you are born as a twin in which your heart’s physical form is a reflection of your twins. Triplets and so on perhaps have the same pattern on their heart in different arrangements.

In this version of the world perhaps unlocking your heart unlocks that person’s deepest fear in life and causes their brain to trigger their deepest fears in perpetuity. I thought that that punishment could eventually become desensitised to the person but if they no longer fear something due to being confronted by it all the time, then a new fear is found deep within their mind.

I also thought of another element to add to her list of “Romance, sex, love”. Crime/torture/leverage/ransom. If unlocking our hearts is the most devastating thing that can happen to someone and its so pronounced on our bodies then it’s easily the most obvious exploitable and vulnerable part of ourselves. Gangsters, Mafias and drug cartels can easily string somebody up and threaten them with a ‘fate worse than death’. High-profile burglars can steal the keys to high-profile personalities and ransom them for money. Stolen keys can be exchanged on the black market.

ED