- Angus’ original scene breakdown
Beat 5: Sat at the bar, sweating pint in hand, a dejected Josh rambles on about his chaotic morning to anyone who will listen, panic sets in when, out of the corner of his eye he spots his hijacked car roaring along in the distance.
Slumped on a rickety stool in the corner of the bar, Josh gulps down his pint in angst, as he waits for news on his missing car.
Mercedes (the bartender), is polishing wine glasses in silence as Josh wails about the ladies who stole his car.
“Deadbeats to society. They’d be wasted in a jail cell as well you know” Josh says in jest.
Mercedes walks away in silence as an older bar fly takes a seat besides Josh.
Josh watches on as the man orders two bourbons and a pint of draught. The man necks the bourbons one after the other in quick succession, before easing into his pint. Josh proclaims to the man that too much bourbon will raise his blood pressure. The man looks at him with a dismissive face on his look.
“I should be the one drinking reckless like that. If only you knew what happened to me this morning”, says Josh. The old man doesn’t reply.
Despite the silence given to Josh, he continues to give the man a detailed description of his morning and how he’s been victimised. After a five minute diatribe, Josh notices the man slumped over asleep, still gripping his pint.
Feeling embarrassed over his ignorance to the situation, Josh leans back against the bar wall, looking out through the dimly lit bar, and all the way onto the barren streets of Barrel.
Suddenly, Josh is sparked into a frenzy when he sees he stolen car race past the bar, with one half of the thieving duo hanging out the sun roof, crying with laughter.
Josh shouts at Mercedes to do something. Mercedes blankly stares at him, chewing gum, and continues to polish the wine glasses.
- Review of draft
Angus presents a great scene breakdown of the fifth beat in the pilot episode. His writing was particularly strong in painting a picture of a rural town, with careful description of Barrel and how the characters interact with it. A few stand outs of this were, “rickety stool,” “polishing wine glasses” and “barren streets of Barrel.” While his ability to show and not just tell was strong, the use of quotations was a step ahead of a scene breakdown, and it might have been more appropriate to describe the tone of Josh’s language rather than write his lines. However, Josh’s use of language seems out of place for a pub in a rural town, indicating a divide in class, which Angus has executed well through his writing.
The breakdown’s readability was mostly strong, although there was an instance where the writing could have been more closely proofread, referencing “a dismissive face on his look.” This is a nit-pick though and I don’t feel that it diminishes the writing. On my first read, I felt that Josh’s interaction with the bar fly dragged out, but after a reread, I found that it was a well-considered way of building suspense while Josh waits for news on the whereabouts of his stolen car. The turning point was carefully placed at the end, but the moment where Josh spots the “thieving duo” in his car might have been worth building on. Then again, a cliff-hanger is a great tool in creating a sense of returnability, and overall, this was a great approach to breaking down beat 5.
- Revised scene breakdown
Slumped on a rickety stool in the corner of the bar, Josh gulps down his pint in angst, awaiting news on the whereabouts of his missing car. Bartender Mercedes is polishing wine glasses in silence as Josh wails about the women who stole his recently serviced car. Unamused, Mercedes turns her back to Josh as an old bar fly dressed in khaki shorts and a sweat stained Bintang singlet takes a seat beside him. Josh turns his nose up to the man, who calls out to Mercedes faintly, pulling out his pension card from his wallet which reads the name Barry, ordering two discounted bourbons and a pint of draught. Barry finishes his drinks shortly after they arrive, leaving Josh shocked, walking through a list of unsolicited advice about bourbon intake and its correlation with high blood pressure. Barry looks up at Josh briefly with an eyebrow raised, and scoffs, dismissing his advice by ordering another round of bourbon. In efforts to catch the bar’s attention, whose patrons have only responded with silence, Josh proceeds to give Barry and Mercedes a detailed run through of his morning and the proposed victimisation he’s faced. After a five-minute diatribe, Josh notices the man slumped over and asleep, yet still gripping his pint. An embarrassed and incredibly out of place Josh leans back against the deteriorating brick wall of the bar in despair, peering outside the nearby window and out onto the barren streets of Barrel. While watching over the town with a sense of impending doom, Josh notices a car speed by the bar, a cloud of dust following its trail. Doing a double-take, Josh jumps up in a frenzy as one of the women who stole his car bobs their head out of the sunroof, crying with laughter as Josh’s Britney Spears CD plays at full volume. Josh makes his way for the exit and shouts at Mercedes to do something, who responds with a blank stare and continues polishing the wine glasses.