I’m a cynical person, on a good day. So when my relationship deteriorated I was left with another reason to hate things. Didn’t help that the guy was a cheating douchebag.
Working in an open plan office, the radio constantly plays the same pop shit on repeat, giving me not only another excuse to hate the world, but also another thing to project my bitterness on to. Those songs that once would’ve been interpreted with some happy Tess-in-a-relationship filter are now completely twisted by the fuck-the-world-especially-men headspace. I’d thought I’d give you a look at my top three examples, and yes, there is a bit of bad language, and if you have an issue with it you haven’t had your heart broken before.
The main offenders on the Top Singles list:
(Another reason for me to hate the term “single”)
P!nk: True Love
In love Tess : *selective deafness for all the lines about why she hates her husband* blah blah something TRUEEE LOVVEE. Yes, that’s what I have. Mmm true love. Did she say something about him being an asshole? Haha I don’t think so. If he is an asshole it’s not true love. What was that? “I want to wrap my hands around your neck”? Hmm I guess if I wanted a piggyback I would technically have to do that but… Seems unnecessary. I think the problem here is that P!nk thinks true love means that you have a love-hate relationship. None of that here, thank you very much!! All just good, yummy scrummy love over here!
Me now: If I fucking hear this song one more time I’m going to stab myself in the eye with a mug. Don’t even ask how. I just will. “You’re an asshole, but I love you”? I can tell you now that sentence is four words too long. Chop it half and we’re getting there, except for the fact that “asshole” is still a little kind. The guy is an asshole and you hate him, therefore it must be true love? Yeah, or you stop sugarcoating it and you’re just as unhappy with your shitty little life as everyone else. Stop throwing in this “love” crap at the end. There is no such thing as “true love”. You just try and hang in there for the most attractive person who fucks you off the least.
Jason Derulo: Talk Dirty
Soppy Tess: “’Cause I know what the girls them need, New York to Haiti”? Yes Jason, they need a loving and committed relationship, not you carrying on like a eunuch wailing about all the herpes you’re spreading internationally. “Your booty don’t need explaining”? Jason one of the key aspects of any good relationship is a healthy discourse, communication. All this sleeping around might seem like what you want now, but you’ll thirty and realise you’ve just wasted so much of your time filling a hole in you by filling a hole in someone else. Temporary pleasure when you could’ve been building a lifetime of happiness with your other half. I guess I just feel blessed that the person that completes me has come into my life already.
Shitty Tess: Fuck you Jason Derulo. “Our conversations aren’t long but you know what is”? The extent of your stupidity? And just how lax are we getting on this “talk dirty” thing? Because I actually think I’d be alright, pretty good even. Because I could certainly reel off a lot of sentences involving “fuck” and “you know where you can put that?”. Does it still count if I’m yelling it at an ex? Oh, Jason, you’re a massive manwhore? That’s attractive. If girls love this so much I’m amazed that I didn’t enjoy finding out my boyfriend shared similar hobbies. “Sold out arenas, you can suck my penis”? Like, it’s not like I had any faith in the human race before that, but seriously? Single or not that’s just abysmal.
Daft Punk: Get Lucky
Smitten: I guess the sad thing is that my single friends think this song is like, their anthem. What they don’t realize is that in a committed relationship you can so-called “get lucky” every single night. Sex is so much better with someone you love, it’s that real connection with someone special to you. Listening to this song kind of makes me depressed because people think that “getting lucky” is meeting someone in da club and scoring. But, what it means to be truly lucky is to be with the person you love, have someone to come home to and take you out for dinner and tell you you’re beautiful and that you’re their world.
Spitting: I’m horny.