It’s week 12 and everything’s coming to a close, so a little reflection is only necessary. The shift from high school to university has proved to be a less daunting task than I had originally perceived it to be; a few mates here and there, a working routine and an engaging curriculum for the most part. I feel like I’m surrounded by people who share similar interests and views and humour, and what more can you ask? Feels like home.
So why is it that at the closing of the semester that I feel the most self-conscious about my course and my learned abilities? Friends make comments in passing about the legitimacy of it (and I won’t doubt that I’ve talked it down in passing too: “in one of my classes we just watch a movie” is a line I’ve used far too many times for my own liking, though thankfully those sounds have begun to fade) and I seem to have seriously overstated my skills in some of my classes (hey I passed that assignment, at least). I’ve never been an overly confident person (labelled in all caps ‘SHY’ by every teacher that’s ever taught me) in anything, from my ideas to my talents to my views, always overshadowed by constant doubt and disapproval that these ideas don’t make sense, aren’t backed by the right authority or don’t represent who I am as a person in the world; and a looming self-consciousness has thrown me on the opposite path many times. But I guess that’s life, c’est la vie, you can’t control everything you do or how people see you, and you can’t mold this perfect shell of a representation. I’ve taken a step back to realise the little hints of light-hearted unseriousness I’ve found I add to everything I say and the fact that I’ve only known these (wonderful) people for such a short time that they have no idea what I was like previous. You’ve just gotta say or do the right thing at the right time among the right people and you’ll get your way. No pressure, kid.
As much as we might wish, we can’t all be Jim Jarmusch cool. 
Being stuck in a small room with only a desk and a bed (an artist’s cliche) with a laptop and TV forces me to always be ‘working’ in some way or another (there isn’t much else to do where I’m staying). Whether that be opening and staring the New Post window or scrawling through my Subscriptions list on YouTube, everything kinda feels like work for this course. The consuming (and ‘noticing’) of all media forms that we have been encouraged to do has for better or worse validated my usual lazy doings as ‘work’ which has blurred the lines between study and play, and I don’t doubt that that’s where my insecurities about my friends’ comments are incubated. I feel in my mind I have played down the seriousness of my course for a little too long and that has seeped out into the realm of actuality in my head. Regardless, I’ll undoubtedly continue to make the most of the short time I have at uni while I still can; next semester’s (and the semester’s after that, etc.) Studios look and sound like they get down to serious business (and specific, less of the less constrained freedom of this semester–not that this is at all a negative, but it’ll help in my responses to questions from relatives such as “what do you actually do in your course?“, y’know) and for those I am truly excited.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
“Do what you love” – ancient proverb, small superfluous inspiration from relative or excuse to piss around?
