I hate the beach. It ranks number one on my list of least favourite places, ahead of clubs and the racecourse. It has everything I hate amalgamated into one. Firstly, water. I hate being wet, and I hate swimming. There is nothing enjoyable about water. It’s just there, all filthy with its salt. Secondly, sand. Sand is my least favourite substance. “It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere”. Thirdly, people. People are horrible. And people who go to the beach are usually the most obnoxious. Lying there, sun-baking with their coconut oil, carefully choosing the right angle for their next Instagram post. Having fun, with their UDL’s and friends. I hate the beach.