The feedback we received during our work in progress presentation was so valuable to me. I thought we were given honest and thought provoking critiques, especially from Smiljana. I think she pushed us to consider the world we were creating, how it reflects us and how it reflects the people we decide to write. Our guest speaker Catherine mentioned that we should employ specificity when writing characters from diverse backgrounds or they might be susceptible to altering to fit the dominant ideology. Smiljana suggested that if we are to create a character from a minority, there’s a duty of care we need to take by connecting with the cultural community they’re from. Write from the beginning knowing they are of that race, gender identity, sexuality, and let it impact their character. It gave me a lot to think about regarding the universe I decide to create, and whether it’s impact will be positive or negative.

A key piece of feedback I would like to reflect on was some of the suggestions I received on how to write the ending. I brought up my concerns in my presentation about resolving the end the piece with an explosion of dialogue. I’m trying to come up with a way for the protagonists to express all the conflicting emotions they feel about self determination, fear and safety. My first thought was to jump to dialogue. The feedback I received acknowledged that using dialogue is one way to do this, however, maybe there should be no dialogue at all. It would be more impactful to communicate a feeling through visual language rather than express it vocally.

So thus in a rewrite of the order of action, we could potentially see something like this: As Carol blares her lights into the shadows, she swings the door open for her friend as if to say Get In. Clem gets in the car with Carol. The two sit there in the still car watching the headlights blare onto an empty street. This is the moment they non-verbally share another moment of camaraderie, again, of mutual suffering. Suffering under a system which confines the way they move within this world. Suddenly I’m excited to write this part, rather than dreading it.

Communicating without dialogue will push my visual storytelling further, to express such a key moment in this narrative  through human connection, expression, setting, movement and sound.
To end the piece like this brings even more bookends into the narrative; I’ve begun to visualise the car as being a sanctity – Carol’s presence and friendship brings the warmth back into the scene which we lost when the shop lights dimmed. Now headlights replace this brightness.  This moment highlights the value of solidarity between women when faced with adversity.
I was imagining a song to play as the women drive away, something along the lines of It’s a Man’s Man’s World.  This could come across as cliche but it gives a clearer message to a script I’m scared could loose it’s political motivations. The use of silence between the two women in the car is key to express their disenchantment. The use of a song like that playing as they begin to drive off could push this message further.

Another piece to focus on was expressing fear and apprehension without physically showing these figures in the distance. They might never need to make an appearance at all, if we as the reader know that there is something to fear from Clem’s behaviour and body language. The feedback focused mainly on expressing the protagonist’s inner emotions, something that will see me reflect on key readings from the course.

I began developing my idea when I was on my way home from work one night. I have been trying to observe moments of quietness in my life and see if this influences my visual intake. This walk was especially creepy and dark, and I was skating down Wellington street in Collingwood. My partner had vehemently warned me not to skate to the station, and rather to catch an uber. It was going to cost me $17 to get back to Preston, that was nearly an hours work. Nothing angers me more than two things; being ripped off, and having my rights infringed.  Walking safely in the dark should be a human right, and for a spooky girl like me, it’s a passion.
When I inevitably returned home later than expected, my girlfriend scolded me and asked; what if it was me? What if I was walking home in the dark alone?
I regretted it, knowing that when women walk home alone, it’s a gamble. It never happens to you but it could.  It’s a choice between autonomy or personal safety. I wanted to write a script that asks; does she walk home without fear, or is it safer to ask for help, and why does this system exist anyway?

Conflicting feelings about walking home safely is universal.  I’ve tried to illustrate this desire for independence and self-determination in a world where it’s not necessarily safe. I’ve decided to commit to the walking home from work narrative – it’s something I feel super strongly about. I’ve written about this film on my blog before but a key text that influences me for this is A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night (2014, dir. Ana Lily Amipour). The title acting as a hook for the film shows how unsettling the circumstance can be. I had intention to write this script in the same tone as the film. In my original ideas, the protagonist walks home and confronts these attackers whilst walking home to find how worried her family and friends were. This was what I was working with for a while but every time I went to write the ending, it gave this sense of victim blaming; as if she made a ‘stupid decision’ and compromised the comfort of her loved ones. I didn’t want this to be my message – I wanted to express how depressing and disenchanting living in fear can be.

EXCEPT ONE:

Structurally I began in the beginning – I have been meaning to ask in class if this is recommended? I have never started writing anything from the middle or the ending. It could be a cool exercise to practise potentially.
I’ve began by attempting to give a feel towards the relationship between the two workers. I wanted this scene to be warm and feel safe, and the moment Carol leaves the fun and warmth is sucked out of the room. A revision I made after our Monday reading was to avoid double announcing location.
ie. INT. PIZZA SHOP. NIGHT
Clementine mops the floor of the pizza shop.
Now it has become Clementine mops the checkerboard floor.

Another revision is to give Clem some likability, so she can carry this narrative as a relatable character. I wanted to show her playing around at work, kicking mop buckets and joking with her friend. Determination is also a trait her character will have, also her enjoyment of quiet walks in the dark.

I’m hoping the feedback will help me wrangle this idea into a beginning middle and end I’m really unsure of how this will end, part of me wants it to snap back to the question where she is asked fir a lift and this time she says yes, but that comes across as a weird government ad telling women not to walk home. I hope they can help me resolve this ending without needing too much dialogue.