a few situations in which you can be certain your barista is judging you

I’ve been making coffee for about six years now (admittedly, the earlier years were comprised of making beverages that taste more like dishwater than coffee). that’s longer than I’ve been doing a lot of things, and that is a lot of coffee faux pas that I have witnessed. in those six delightful years of being abused for not making coffees hot enough, I have come to make general, broad assumptions about people based on their choices. creating (uniformed) loose judgements about these people is a great way of passing time at work. I can almost guarantee if you do/order any of the below, your barista is definitely making the same connections I am, and judging you accordingly –

1. ordering soy milk anything – not so much a judgement, as a vivid mental image of the patron running to the toilet after I “accidentally” mistake the full cream milk for soy… a temptation I resist numerous times every day (and is getting exceedingly difficult to do). so to sum up, you are vulnerable in the hands of your barista and better smile when you order your goddamn coffee.

2. meat-head males who order skim milk… (now gently remove your tampon, and try again). I had one of the known members of a Melbourne bikie gang – gigantic guns, with grills in his teeth and covered in tattoos – come in and order a skinny latte… suddenly not so intimidating, buddy…

3. people who order a beverage with skim milk, and then proceed to have 4 sugars in it – you’ve got to be kidding me, right? the only thing which is possibly worse being –

4. having more than 3 artificial sweeteners in your drink, ever… (and then proceeding to sit outside with your “skinny latte-4 equals” and chain-smoking a pack of cigarettes, true story). I can only shake my head in pity and pray that your heart attack occurs somewhere other than in my workplace.

5. strong decaff – no. just no. nobody in their right mind actually enjoys the taste of decaff so you can’t even defend this by saying “I really wanted a coffee but my doctor told me to lay off the caffeine.” have you tasted decaff in your lifetime? it doesn’t even taste like real coffee. it’s like ordering a gourmet wagu-burger and then getting burnt piece of meat on bread. you might as well drink dishwater rather than ordering this beverage because it’s going to do the same thing for you. if you are so intolerant to caffeine then just order tea rather than trying to make yourself feel in the loop by ordering a beverage you are probably going to spend the next 4 minutes hating yourself for ordering.

6. a combination of any, or all of the above…