Excuse me while I run my thoughts:

I’ve been having mixed feelings on my impending 20th birthday. There’s nothing I can do to stop it, I will be 20 tomorrow, and while i probably shouldn’t place so much importance on age, i wish i could be 19 for a while longer. I cant say i have any specific regrets, but i wonder whether im ready to forever give up teenagedom.

Ive more recently been interested in the idea of the ‘mid life crisis,’ possibly because i felt ive already had one. The feeling that its your last chance to change direction, that youve wasted a portion of your life, and you have to acheive your life goals now before its too late. Many people my age ive brought this up with agree they already had a period of their life similar to this. Is it a product of our current world? A result of the pressure put on young people to choose a path and define thier lives before theyve even defined themselves? Probably. I felt this crisis in my final year of highschool, and it has recently surfaced once again. What am i doing? What have i done? What will i do?

Whenever someone does anything impressive their age is always a factor as to how impressive the thing is. If they are really young, amazing, if they are really old, inspiring. If they are a twenty something… Will my art be mediocre for the next 50 years until im on my decline? Will i even live that long? The suffix ‘teen’ has become so valuable to me these days. Being able to say im a teenager, im youthful, i still have a lot of life to live. But when artistic prodigies begin their careers at 14 i realise how mediocre my art is. Ive been working on a mediocre timeline, advancing ever so slowly and steadily. And although im only 20, have i already missed my chance at being extrodinary? All the skills ive given myself the responsibility to learn; painting, dancing, music, languages, film. Im still falling short. Perhaps im spreading myself too thin. But that doesn’t sound right to me, i think the problem is im not working to my full potential. If i was, i would be far more advanced in all of these skills than i am currently. I like my paintings, i think theyre nice. But nothing spectacular. I just struggle to find the motivation to practice. And thats why ive hit 20 and have a collection of half finished paintings hidden in my room.

When i turned 19, i charged myself with the responsibility of ‘leveling up,’ in a way. Such as in a video game, i wanted to ‘increase my stats.’ Perhaps my expectations were too high. I should know myself better than that. I cant lie, it has indeed been a good year, but i expected so much more of myself. so what do i plan for the next year of my life? my 20?

I know i must get my drivers license, earn more money, and forge a career path for myself. So obviously those goals are the priority. But what do i really want for myself? I need to get out of my head for starters, keeping track of all these projects is too much. So i guess i need to set a timeline. I’m giving myself September off. I have too many responsibilities to internships, uni work and group projects to direct my attention elsewhere. October should be quite intense too. But here’s the responsibility I’m charging myself with. Create something, anything, that i can be proud of each month. It might be a painting, a piece of writing, a film, a photo, a level of ability, anything. but at the end of each month, i want to be able to notice a change or a product.

This year i tried to draw something every day, it was a worthwhile exercise for a month or so, but i found myself struggling to keep up. I gave myself goals in my 19-ness to do 3 large paintings. I only finished one, and am halfway through two others. After reflecting, i found i didn’t work on these things because i wanted to work on other skills for a while instead, and thinking about them was taking up too much of my energy. I just want to get my thoughts and ideas out there. I started this journey when i turned 19, and I’m not saying i have wasted this year or i failed my goals. When i look back, i made a huge improvement from 18 year old me to 19 year old me. I painted a few things, i drew some things, challenged myself in photography, made my first short film, got my first internship(s), met some awesome new people, did well at uni, started learning an instrument, watched some great movies, discovered some great talent, and improved myself in so many ways. I will continue this path, and  refine it for this coming year, and really produce my own content and art.