This week, we also came back to the montage of Elle and Carl’s relationship from the animated film, Up (2009). But this time, we were given the task of writing one part of this sequence into scene text. I decided to do the first 20 seconds were they have just been married and this is what I wrote:

INT. CHURCH - DAY

A camera flashes. A giddy Elle and smiling Carl stand next to each other 
at the alter. Elle jumps on Carl and kisses him, dipping him before 
turning back to the crowd. 

The couple turns towards Elle’s side and watches her family jump and 
cheer for the newly weds. The couple then turns to Carl’s side as he 
waves to them. His family remains seated. With stoic faces, they clap.

EXT. FRONT YARD - DAY 

Carl carries Elle bridal-style to an old house with windows covered in 
wooden planks, and a front yard with tall grass. With Elle in his arms, 
Carl walks towards the front door. 

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 

Still in their wedding outfits, Elle saws a wooden plank and Carl stands 
on a stool to hammer a nail into the wall. 

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 

Elle and Carl each push a cushioned chair next to each other by the window. 

Looking at this from a distance, I think it’s a pretty solid effort. I think I applied the features of a screenplay that we’ve learned over the past few weeks. I don’t think I’ve used any ‘is’ and ‘are’, and I’ve avoided any adverbs.

However, when looking at the excerpt of the montage sequence from the actual Up script and comparing it to what I wrote, there is quite a difference.

For instance, the screenplay is very succinct in describing each part of the montage. It summed up most images in just a couple of lines, sometimes even in just one line.

In the part where Elle and Carl begin fixing their house still clad in their wedding outfits, the actual screenplay reads ¹⁽¹⁰⁾:

EXT. CARL AND ELLE’S HOUSE - DAY 

Still in their wedding clothes: she saws as he hammers. 

Seeing this gave me a mental note to remember when we start writing our own short screenplays. While I think what I wrote is pretty decent, it could definitely be improved by being more straightforward like the Up screenplay excerpt, especially when writing little dialogue.

Reference:

¹ Docter, P & Peterson, B (2009). Up (screenplay excerpt). pp. 10-15.