It’s week four and we were back to the short French film, I’ll Catch The Next One.

We also looked back on all the knowledge we have gained so far in regards to screenwriting and the techniques, structure, etc. that make a good screenplay. And for today’s lesson, we had a chance to apply that knowledge and write our own interpretation of the first 40 seconds of the film.

This is what I wrote:

A woman, aged in her early 30s, walks forlornly by the edge of the water. 

She stares longingly at a couple cuddling into each other; her eyes 
following their ascension on the escalators opposite her. 

Her body remains motionless on the platform, but her head follows the 
approaching train as it comes to a stop. 

She enters the train carriage in somber fashion.

I think what makes this work is that it’s straightforward. It uses a lot of verbs, keeping it at present tense and making it ‘playable’ ^{1 (138)}. It also gives a sense of what kind of character the woman is without using any adjectives. We learn that she is someone who seeks companionship and leads a fairly mundane routine. It also doesn’t contain any ‘is’ and ‘are’ which seems to be something that is discouraged in screenwriting.

I think I could improve this by eliminating the adverbs (i.e. forlornly, longingly). I think the questions to ask if you’re going to use adverbs is: is it really necessary? is there a better way to write it? As McKee states, ‘Instead, name the action.’ ^{2 (396)} There are plenty of other verbs to be used instead of a simple ‘she walks’, and there could be a better word to use instead of using the phrase ‘walks forlornly’.

References:

¹ Batty, C & Waldeback, Z (2012). The Creative Screenwriter: Exercises to Expand Your Craft. London. Methuen Drama. pp. 137-139.

² McKee, R (1999). Story. pp. 394-400.