Assignment 2 Part II: Writing Reflection
In week #4 we re-looked at the Youtube French short film J’Attendrai Le Suivant (I’ll Wait for the Next One) (2008). We were asked to script-ify the first approximate 40 seconds, not necessarily using screenwriting format rules/conventions – the priority was to get the story out in the best way possible.
Here is my first take on the scene:
A 40 year-old corporate woman walks along a path leading to the train station. She walks towards us wearing black polished dress shoes. Her pace is not rushed and she wears an insecure, blank expression on her face. She glances at her surroundings intermittently and looks down a lot. She is banal in that she blends into the crowd of other train commuters. She descends on the escalator and on the escalator adjacent a couple snogging ascend. We view over her shoulder, she looks on as they rise above her. We then see her alone waiting for the train to halt at the platform. As a couple of commuters step off, she steps into the carriage among the other scattered people.
Okay so it definitely needs a re-write. Or five.
https://giphy.com/gifs/lisa-simpson-writing-the-simpsons-b55x0VFpFKm7S
The most challenging aspect of this task was finding an appropriate voice. I found it difficult to write creatively when analysing an existing story, already in video form I mean. I felt trapped writing from a perspective already established via camera. I found it hard to formulate descriptions that denote action when it was all right there, spoon-fed in audiovisual form. So I got into the film studies zone and started analyse the shot types and frame compositions. Deciphering meaning and intentions is my autopilot and writing the scene was a step backward I wasn’t very comfortable taking. So I had to use this thinking as a bridge. From analysing the camera to connect to the character I felt more comfortable to ‘create’/write.
Hence why my draft is a concoction of screenplay format/concise with a hint of literary zest. In all seriousness I don’t dislike my piece, I can simply recognise it for what it is, a draft. There are some aspects I really like that just need some development to come alive. Such as the notion of the protagonist intermittently looking around, or the public being “scattered” in the carriage. These ideas work and could also work better given more time. I don’t really like my opening description of the protagonist, I’d much rather use other more creative language to describe who she is rather than listing facets of her identity separated by commas. She’s more than that.
The class and Stayci workshopped my messy line: “she descends on the escalator and on the escalator adjacent a couple snogging ascend. We view over her shoulder, she looks on as they rise above her.” This definitely needs some cleaning up: elevator needn’t be repeated and the ascending/descending is overkill, though the double meaning in “she looks on as they rise above her” was deliberate and I wanted to hold onto that. This is an example of what works with the piece.
https://giphy.com/gifs/writing-ydMElLbfD72yA
Here’s my revision: “Her eyes glue to the snogging couple as they rise above her on the adjacent escalator as she is descending.” Perhaps the last action could be removed: “Her eyes are glued to the snogging couple as they rise above her on the adjacent escalator.”
I later had a go at implementing some of ‘what worked’ in my piece, as well as some of the class’ ideas:
Louisa is a corporate woman commuting home from work. She is in her mid-forties, but feels her life is yet to start. She walks with little purpose along the lip of a rain-soaked path. Her sensible black shoes click on the pavement as she walks towards the train station. Her pace is slow and she wears an insecure, blank expression on her face. She glances at her surroundings intermittently and looks down frequently. Her eyes glue to the snogging couple as they rise above her on the adjacent escalator. We then see her alone waiting for the train to halt at the platform’s edge. She steps into the carriage among the other scattered commuters who are as banal as her.
REFERENCES:
J’Attendrai Le Suivant (I’ll Wait for the Next One), 2008, short film, La Boite, France, 2 May. Viewed March 22 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqwgeZooUmQ>.