Since writing this I have made a lot of headway, changes initial sentences that repeat words, like “porch.” Also reformatting since there are dialogue lines without characters before. Within in this draft, you can see that I try to keep a major part of the narrative hidden from the reader. This is a cue to the production team that after they read this, they’ll understand that it is hidden, there are clues to what has happened but not enough for actually exposing what has happened, in this instance, Grant’s captor is not referenced until directly in the shot. Being in this incapacitated state is exploited by the scene in the sense that it exists around him peacefully as he is unable to make a sound.
I tried to write the scenes in single sittings as I really struggle to feel out the continuation of a feeling (terrible sentence) that I try to embrace whilst writing. There is a scene later on where Grant has another victim incapacitated, and in order for me to find the words for the body contortion and the position he has them in, I physically made myself get into those positions and from there I was able to “feel” how I was able to write the description in a specific and direct way.
I think that those two words are very important in this story. I want the script to read clearly and make sure there is an emphasis on nuance because that will play a big part. IN the First paragraph I reference that Grant doesn’t just have a hate, but an Akubra. This is a specific look that reflects a certain type of male.
In the above scene, I try to make a point about the setting. The point of describing the road and town is meant to act as a cue for the audio-visual nature of the storytelling. The town is meant to look as though, throe was foot traffic and it was busy at an earlier point but is now desolate. The moonlit road is meant to emphasise the isolation. Deliberately there is no noise besides diegetic and even then, this place is so far away from the cities that the noise is next to none.
In the second part of the above takeaway after Barkeep is motionless, it could even be split into/with another slug line i.e.
EXT. GRANTS UTE – MOONLIT
Grant drags Barkeeps limp body across the moonlit road in the middle of the abandoned town outside of the Rising Sun Hotel. Lifts him up. Dumps him in the back of his ute, careful to seal the tray.
Pauses. Pauses. Pauses.
Unseals he tray. Gets out his broom.
This, however, may extend a scene longer during a read which, from what we’ve been taught, isn’t a great step to take. I think in this case I will actually use this edit, because of the amount of silence in the script, these are important moments to draw out and place an emphasis on Grants actions, surroundings and emotions (lack thereof).
One last thing that I really wanted to work on was the repetition and reveal of certain tells that grant has or things that come up. He is pedantically clean ruthlessly violent. His immediate reaction to clean up after he creates a violent mess is something I believe that adds a layer to the man who speaks very little words. I also think that the music will play a big part. Not necessarily the specific tracks, but the application of Grant constantly being in control of the music by playing it in his car and house. This is always the cassette that Matilda made for him for their anniversary. But that is only revealed close to the end of the film.
The Audio-visual Storytelling is a huge part of my writing whether by choice or nature. I think the way the story plays out, the setting and the characters that have been chosen allow for such a vivid image and portrayal through a screenplay.