In the studio yesterday, I showed my rough cut #1 of my film to the class via the projector.

I received some advice after the viewing of my short film.

Advice from classmate:

• Rearrange the videos and audio so it’s backward to forward, as in have the song that Andy sings playing at the start of the film and then have the stuff that Natalia, Clare and Tung said in the end.

Advice from Adrian:

• Only have the shots of the parts of the lounge, for example, the walls , ceilings, stuff, but not the gay stuff, for example, the resources and books on the bookshelf.
• Use the part of your script where it talks about Clare Colebrooks article, that entire paragraph.
• You don’t need to use all the 100 shots.
• Make your film shorter.
• Make the font at the start of the film smaller and more centre.

I’ve taken aboard the advice of my classmate, that is, I have rearranged my film to when the song that Andy sings will be playing at the start of the film rather than at the end of the film and where Tung talk about his coming out at the end of the film.

I’ve also taken on board Adrian’s advice. He noted that I don’t need to have exactly 100 shots in the film……. You see… I didn’t know that… I thought that we had to use all 100 shots in our films – I knew you can reshoot footage to replace the footage that you didn’t particularly like in project three but I thought that was it. I didn’t realised that we just use half of that or even less. I’ve already edited rough cut #2 yesterday afternoon in Adrian’s class and I’ve rendered that out. It looks good. I like it. I haven’t inserted the recorded audio of the script yet but I will do so today – right after I post this blog post – I was late to class yesterday as I was busy recording the script/narration for my short film in my office. I use a Zoom Z4N audio recorder for the recording.

In the rough cut #1, the film was around 8:39 minutes long, right now, my film sits on around 4:20 minutes. I’m not sure if I’ll be cutting out more shots as of yet to make my film even shorter. I quite like the length of my film, it’s not as boring as the first cut.

I’re already made the font at the start of the film smaller and more at the centre and I’ve deleted all the shots with the queer resources and queer books on the bookshelf. It seems that I’ve been explaining too much in the film, that is I keep reinforcing what the context of the film is rather than allowing my audience to come up with an idea of what the film is about.

Over this weekend, I will continue to work on my essay, I think I’m more worried about the essay than my film to be honest. This is only because I feel that no matter what, I feel that my film can be quite self-explanatory even though it can be ambiguous to some of my viewers. I’m worried that I won’t be able to express myself properly, the process of the “making” part of this studio. Either way, I’ll try to write as much as I can.

Also, I haven’t started thinking about the presentation yet. I have not prepared anything.

As I read my daily dose of ‘gay news’, I came across this article about ‘Twinks’ on samesame – http://www.samesame.com.au/features/12304/Be-exactly-who-you-are – the article was written by a gay man with the pseudonym, brandycooklyn. 

In the article, the author discusses the stereotypes in the gay community. And how he loathes it.

In the essay that will accompany my film, I have looked into the word ‘sissyphobia’ – a word that I have discovered recently. Sissyphobia is the fear/loathsome of the more effeminate gay man.

A couple of quotes from the article:

‘I am often times given the label of a gay community stereotype, one I do not personally identity with. A twink is a feminine, flamboyant young homosexual man.’

‘We have been conditioned towards treasuring masculinity and demonizing femininity in gay men. It’s something many of us have tried hard to avoid, but inevitably collapses out if our rears at the unlikeliest of times, just when we think we’ve unlearned it. We have been also conditioned into stereotyping others, and placing them in categories. This is both a blessing and a curse – and unfortunately for some, has a habit of somehow determining their perceived worth. But you can’t ever be held to someone else’s standard of beauty. You are better than a body or a type and you are worth so much more. After all, are we not an incredibly diverse community, awash with colourful characters and whimsical personalities and beautiful stories?’

I came across this TED Talk by Brene Brown on my Facebook feed, a friend of mine shared the video. I had already watched the videos last year and have downloaded the audio of the talk.

In this particular TED Talk, Brown explores the challenges of being vulnerable. Have a watch:

 http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

These two quotes stood out for me in the video:

‘When you lose your capacity to care what other people think, you’ve lost you ability to connect. But when you’re defined by it, you’ve lost your ability to be vulnerable.’ (Brown 2010).

‘You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.’ (Brown 2010).

I can totally relate to what she is saying in the video. It makes so much sense when you are expose to the queer community.

As I have written in my poetic essay script:

Fluid as it is, sexuality and gender identity implores the notion that visibility is vulnerability, that is being visible as a queer individual in society is to be vulnerable, as there is a likelihood that they are can be more vulnerable to hate crimes, discrimination, and homophobic quips, especially so if they are an effeminate gay man, a butch lesbian or transgendered person.

Below is my final script that will accompany my short documentary film.

________________________________________________________________________________________

I am one of the Queer Officers for RMIT University’s Student Union. The Queer Lounge as a safe space on campus is a privilege. A privilege that some queer students take for granted such as when they drink their coffee or eat their meal, and they leave rubbish and dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. To my dismay. For I am the one who has to clean up after them. There are various posters about cleaning up in the lounge. These students must have such a busy schedule that they find time to use the lounge, yet no time to wash their dishes.

Fluid as it is, sexuality and gender identity implores the notion that visibility is vulnerability. Being visible as a queer individual in society is to be at risk because there is a likelihood that you will be more vulnerable to hate crimes, discrimination, and homophobic quips. Especially if you are an effeminate gay man, a butch lesbian or transgendered person.

In Claire Colebrook’s article Queer Aesthetics: I really like where she says ‘I am the being who I am and have always been; that I do not expect or hope to change?’. I am exploring aspects of sexual orientation and gender identity. The challenges of coming out and determining the role society plays in the wellbeing of a queer individual, and what it means to identify as a queer individual. Honestly, I have written more than a thousand words on this snippet of Colebrook’s over the weekend. I noted that I plan to focus on various topics of the queer identity and queer issues such as coming out, religion, mental health, etc. My essay was all over the place. It was random.

Speaking of research, I came by the word, “sissyphobia”. The definition of the word is something along the line of a person – most likely a cis-gendered masculine male – who is afraid or have a distinct dislike or even hatred of the more feminine male, that is, the effeminate gay man. Sissyphobia is where gay men dislike being with the more feminine men. What intrigues me was that this term is totally new to me. To be frank, I didn’t even know this word existed, but then again, there are plenty of words out there that I don’t know of that I don’t know exist. I have found four peer-reviewed articles using this term ‘sissyphobia’. I’ve only read the abstract of each article and even so, I found it quite informative. I plan to use these articles in an essay.

I’m intrigued by the idea that some gay masculine men view effeminate gay men as submissive and “weak”. Why is there this creation of inequality? Is it even possible for effeminate gay men to be as equal as their more masculine peers, both inside the bedroom and out? In the LGBT+ community, there are many, many terms of describing each queer person. Many people have told me how they dislike this idea in being categorised. It makes them feel like cattle. Often they identify as non-binary, which is fair enough, since this world we live is so patriarchal, misogynic and discriminative of those who are not like them.

In the gay community, just like in the lesbian community, there are many terms to describing a gay man’s physical appearance, their personality and their mannerism – such as “bears” and “twinks”. In the lesbian world, these opposites are clearly defined by “butches” and “femmes”.

Mannerism is what make the queer community go round. In reading one of the abstracts of the sissyphobia articles, I’ve realised that mannerism can be a topic that I am able to explore. I believe in my three years of coming to terms with myself, that it all comes down to mannerisms, that’s what people in your community would classify you as. It’s rather sad actually, as if you are nothing more than a label. Yes, labels! Why is it that in the queer community we like to label each other? Yet, heterosexuals also label us? Why do we do it to each other? Stereotypes in the queer community is rife. Why is it that butch lesbians are categorise as a masculine with male traits and why are femme lesbian categorise as feminine with female traits: even though femme lesbians identify as cis-gendered females – though there are some males to females (MTF) transgendered people that identify as femme lesbians.

In one of the articles about sissyphobia, the author noted that some gay masculine men dislike men with feminine characteristics because they feel threatened by them that it is through their own insecurity of effeminate gay men. I find that strange. Maybe there is a reason why descriptions of “no Asians” in dating profiles of gay men on Grindlr is common.

The Queer Collective hold weekly events in the Queer Lounge. These social events are designed to encourage a sense of community and belonging. Events include crafternoon, games night, movie nights, workshops, queer collective meetings, afternoon tea, and wine and whine – where we drink wine and whine about our life. I’m most proud of the workshops; these workshops explore a variety of queer topics that promote services and support that are available for our members to use at their disposal. These workshops aim to inform and educate our members about issues facing the queer community.

Beyondblue reports that queer individuals are more likely to experience from depression and anxiety than the rest of society. As a Queer Officer, I strive to develop and nurture the welfare of my collective members into wholesome adults. The Queer Lounge provides an opportunity for queers students to meet new people, build connections, create a network of support and to socialise and bond with each other. This creates a stronger feeling of a queer community at RMIT. In there, queer students are able to express themselves without the fear of judgment, the fear of retribution of being their true self. It is a safe place. Some even call it their home. Their second home.

________________________________________________________________________________________

This is how I feel right now.

A mountain of work sweetly calling out my name. No… Actually, it’s screaming out my name…

So, last night, I read up the assessment sheet for Project #4 and for the portfolio. Turns out that we all have to write up three essays for the studio, all due too soon. The writing of three essays completely slipped my mind, I knew we had to write up an essay to accompany our short film, an essay to act as a script where we narrate it for our short films and also an essay for our portfolios. But somehow… All this slipped my mind. I think week 11 is getting to me…

I’ve already finished writing up my script.

I’ve already written up nearly 2000 words for the essay that will accompany my film. HOWEVER! I did not use this essay prompt as a basis for my essay: ‘Let’s adopt ontography as a name for a genereal inscriptive strategy, one that uncovers the repleteness of units and their interobjectivity. From the perspective of metaphysics, ontography involves the revelation of object relationships without necessarily offering clarification or description of any kind’ (Bogost 2012), in the week one reading of Ian Bogost’s Alien Phenomenology article.

Instead, I’ve been using one quote of my choosing to be the basis for my essay which is a quote from  Claire Colebrook’s article Queer Aesthetics:

‘I am the being who I am and have always been; that I do not expect or hope to change’.

And to think that I’ve written a 2000 word essay based on this quote alone. Far out. So, you can only imagine my horror when I read the assessment guideline for project #4.

I freaked out. All that time spent writing this 2000 word essay. Gone. Down the drain. Or so I thought. Instinctually, I notified Adrian at once through the Doco Ontography Facebook group to clear things up.

After Adrian cleared this mishap of mine, that’s when I finally realised that there are three essays to write for this studio. Even though, sub-consciously I knew that.

There are a total of five questions that I can discuss in the essay that will accompany my film, I am to select one of the questions and I am required to write my essay in regards to it. I have decided to write my essay on ‘how and in what way (is?), your interactive ontography a documentary? Why? How?’. I will continue to write my essay using the 2000 word essay I’ve been working on a couple of weeks ago.

I have not even started writing my 1000 essay for my portfolio. I have not even thought of that yet. I’ve been so focused on this 2000 word essay.

I better get a move on.

AND STOP FREAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG OUT!

This just reminds me of the student’s line in Latour’s On the Difficulty of Being an ANT: An Interlude in the Form of a Dialog, a week 4 reading where the Professor says to the student:

‘I have never understood what context meant, no. A frame makes a picture look nicer, it may direct the gaze better, increase the value, allows ti date it, but it doesn’t add anything to the picture. The frame, or the context is precisely the sum of factors that make no difference to the data, what is common knowledge about it. If I were you, I would abstain from frameworks altogether. Just describe the state of affairs at hand’ (Latour pp. 144).

I think that’s what I have to do. I have to ‘just describe the state of affairs at hand’ (Latour pp. 144) of what is in my film and just focus and describe in great detail of the “why” and the “how” of my film. I know I can do it. I just need to get my confidence back. I lost a bit confidence of myself last night after discovering I’ve written my essay wrongly.

This week is week 11.

Time to freak out.

I’ve got so many assessments to do and so little time to do them.

Over the weekend, I worked on my documentary short film, it is a list of things that is in the RUSU Queer Lounge. I’ve haven’t enhance my videos in any shape or form and I don’t plan to now, even though a few weeks ago I said I will edit the colour balance of some of my shots since the lighting in some of the videos are pretty horrendous. I have yet to reshoot my videos, I haven’t got to reshooting some shots yet. Now, I’m just thinking over whether I should reshoot or not. Because when I come to think of it, the shots seem quite fine. The footage is raw. Just like how when a queer person who is new to the Queer Department come and pay a visit to the Queer Lounge, the emotions they would feel would be raw too, wouldn’t it? Considering it is a new surrounding, a new place of belonging, a safe place that is free from judgment, I mean look, how many places are there in Melbourne that’s like that?

I quite like the rawness in my videos – the unedited aspects of the lounge – it conveys this sense of realness. Many queer students when they first discover the lounge, they couldn’t believe there such thing as a Queer Lounge, a haven of all sorts at RMIT. It took them awhile to wrap it over their heads. This rawness of the videos with all the shadows and the blurriness of colours is what someone new to the lounge may see.

This just reminds me of the student’s line in Latour’s On the Difficulty of Being an ANT: An Interlude in the Form of a Dialog, a reading that Adrian handed out back in week 4:

‘I am always limited to my situated viewpoint, to my perspective, to my own subjectivity.’ (Latour pp. 145).

This rawness to my short film is only my viewpoint, would my audience see it that way? Or would they just notice how awful my shots were and how the ‘things’ that I shot were not lit properly, would it matter? How would they interpret it?

I’ve finished writing up my script. I believe it’s quite well done, it’s poetic or at least I think so?

I will be borrowing a zoom recorder and recording the script for my film before the studio on Friday hopefully, if not, I will record it after the studio in the late afternoon. I’ll be recording the script in my office, in the consultation room at RUSU.

I’ve already recorded the script on my phone, however the quality of the audio is appalling and it’ll be embarrassing if I use it in my film. I’ve timed my script twice. One time I recorded the script with a total running time of 6:43 minutes and another time was 6:58 minutes. I did speak rather slow and I did mess out my pronunciation of a few words. I will seriously need to consider practising reading my script this week before I record it on Friday. I believe the final recording of the script will be less than seven minutes long. My film is currently sitting on 8:39:14 minutes.

I will be using some segments the audio recording from the coming out workshop in week 9 as my audio track for my short film

In my presentation of my project #3 back in week 7, it was noted that I could possibly use an audio track in my film, that audio track would be of people in the lounge talking, but I was to distort the audio track so people’s voices are unable to be recognisable. I’ve considered this and over the weekend, I thought of layering my audio tracks. That is, I layer one segment of the audio track with another segment. I experimented with this idea and I liked it. Since my film is quite long, I’ve layered the audio tracks with segments of noise – that is, many  people talking all at once – with a segment where only one person is talking at a time. In some parts of the film, I’ve juxtaposed the audio tracks to have two segments of noise at once, so it’s just noise that my audience will hear but at times, they will be able to comprehend what is being said.

Since this experiment was a success, I will be using this method.

The queer collective members that can be heard clearly in the recording have given me their full consent for me to use their voice in this short film. I’ve asked them to sign release forms after the recording. I’ve already asked them again for their consent and thus approval for me to use this audio recording for my project and were please to do so. Those individuals who can be heard in the recording are out, they are out to their peers, family and to society, and they’ve assured me that I’ve got their consent in publicising their voice as audible and undistorted for my project. Frankly, they don’t care. And they told me so. Actually, they want their stories told.

I hope to finish my film this weekend or by Friday night this week. I want to get this film out of the way of my studies so I can focus on my essays, not only for this studio but for my other classes as well.